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GEMA™-Couples360 Scoring Details


Score Details and Explanations














Organization of the Narrative Explanations







SELF ABOVE SERVICE                               SERVICE BEYOND SELF


              A truly collaborative relationship effort requires that you express yourself, cooperate with the other, and provide contributions toward the mission of the relationship.  As a partner, putting your “self” above the other leads to self-promotion and ultimate discouragement, even in the presence of short term “personal victories.” If you seek entitlement over the other or at the expense of the other, your striving toward “Self Above Service” leads to discouragement and is not beneficial for the relationship. Discouraged partners often intensify their pursuit of self-elevation, leading to even more discouragement for the person and the relationship.


              Expressing your “self,” cooperating with the other, and ultimately contributing service that goes beyond self interest results in a deeper sense of purpose, more encouragement from the other and a sense of increased meaningfulness in your relationship.  A contributing partner recognizes, beyond his or her own “self” interest, the usefulness of “Service Beyond Self” as an relationship member and experiences encouragement from the “belongingness with the other.”


              As an encouraged partner, you become willing to contribute even more.  Relationship well-being is always a partnership effort where you become part of something bigger. “Partnership collaboration” fosters improved relationship belonging, which is stimulated by a sense of security in the relationship. Such collaboration does not become an excuse for a lack of belonging as excellent intimacy is created by collaboration and is a prerequisite for relationship improvement.


              Your willingness to move beyond self-interest toward greater relationship contribution is what makes you a “Courageous Partner ” and helps you learn how to participate as a “Collaborative Partner” in a highly functional relationship that meets our human need to belong.





Entitlement                                                                                           Contribution


              Striving for Entitlement occurs at the expense of service your partner and relationship goals. Such behavior appears in many forms and is characterized by arrogance, self-promotion and intense self-interest. Attempts to “rule over the other” and the use of “command and control” tactics usually stimulates resentment in those partners who are confident enough to resist. Often, partners exposed to such tactics make efforts to defeat these instigating, self-absorbed partner. At other times, expecting special treatment or special favors without returning favors characterizes the Entitlement striving ambition. Simply bragging about “individual” accomplishments without consideration of the partner's contribution will also be destructive to relationship morale. Harassing, bulllying and selfish behavior is often observed from the "entitled" partner.


              Striving toward the goal of Contribution demonstrates your interest in the other, your relationship, and creates more personal satisfaction for you as well as "belonging" success. By creating useful relationship visions and striving to perpetuate the continued success of the relationship, the Courageous Partner actually makes beneficial contributions toward the goal of relationship beloning. Also useful are efforts to make creative contributions and investing special efforts toward the care and nurturing of the other.



Specific Scores

 under the

Entitlement / Contribution Polarity



Ruling                                                                                                                                            Leading


              Ruling is usually done by a partner who believes he or she “ranks higher than the other” and feels they must demonstrate this entitled rank at every opportunity.  Attempts to rule over the other and viewing oneself as “all powerful” or “all knowing” are common “Ruling” behaviors.  Communication of these attitudes is usually not received well by the other. Most often, such attitudes stimulate opposition and resentment in the other. In contrast, Leading contribution includes your masterful creation of relationship visions and masterfully leading the relationship into the future as your most useful form of courageous “Service Beyond Self.”  In contrast to ruling behaviors, relationship leadership behavior tends to stimulate interest in the other toward attempts to achieve relationship goals in line with a vision of love and belonging.



Egotistical                                                                                                                                   Benevolent


              Egotistical behavior is characterized by a tendency to consider only oneself and one’s own interests. All arrogant behavior toward the other is a form of Egotistical entitlement and often this attitude is demonstrated by bragging about personal accomplishments as being entitled over the other. Egotistical entitlement is also demonstrated by promoting oneself as a tyrant, a dictator - or as an entitled person - having a presumed sense of excessive self-importance and dictating toward the other with an entitled attitude. Such behavior can be observed in the form of harassment, bullying and other selfish behavior. These behaviors are not useful for relationship harmony nor are they encouraging to the other as, most often, egotistical behaviors are interpersonally destructive and stimulate many forms of revenge. Benevolent contribution is your genuine, and oftentimes unselfish, concern for the welfare of the other and the opposite of egotism. Investing your “self” as a Benevolent contributor, by investing in the relationship effort and making special efforts to be kind and loving, is one of your tasks as a Courageous Partner.



Intimidating                                                                                                                                 Persuasive


              Those who are Intimidating toward the other oftentimes dictate with an entitled attitude. In addition, attempts may be made to create an impression of excessive self-importance in an effort to intimidate the other. Using one's power over another to satisfy self-serving desires is commonly observed with interpersonal harassment and bullying. These behaviors have a tendency to detract from relationship harmony as interpersonal conflict reduces attention to cooperation. In addition, intimidating behavior will often generate passive-aggressive retaliation behaviors which are highly destructive to the relationship and lead to diminished “positive discretionary” behaviors needed for relationship success. On the other hand, competent partners are Persuasive, rather than intimidating, and would be noted by your efforts to respectfully persuade the other. By using persuasion, you create an atmosphere respect and consequently, you are more easily heard and followed by the partner you are attempting to influence. While intimidation may appear to produce immediate results at times, the use of persuasion brings long-term relationship harmony in the creation of positive relationships that encourage improved relationship growth.



Status-seeking                                                                                                            Achievement seeking


              Expecting special treatment from the other and creating special privileges for oneself, at the expense of the other, is an exhibition of Status-seeking entitlement. This behavior is often observed when a partner creates special privileges for him or her self and oftentimes does so at the expense of the other. In addition, it is not uncommon for these individuals to expect special treatment from the other. Achievement seeking is characterized by “looking for ways to create real relationship harmony. It is clear that seeking to create true belonging is more difficult than attempts at status-seeking behaviors. If you are participating in the making of unique contributions to the relationship, and you are actually making unique contributions, you are acting as an Achievement seeking partner.



Self-centered                                                                                                                          Task centered



              By expecting favors from the other and not returning favors, one is acting with Self-centered entitlement and placing self-centered concerns ahead of relationship belonging. Where there might be a power imbalance, the self-centered partner might exert such power for self-gratifying wishes. It is not unusual for partners to create an atmosphere that actually encourages self-centered behavior as opposed to useful relationship and cooperative efforts. By moving toward “Service Beyond Self” as a Courageous Partner, you promote the well being of the other and create activity that enables relationship movement toward relationship Task centered goals. This can be accomplished by investing yourself in the promoting meaningful communications and creating relationship that promotes the same. Task-centered behavior tends to forward the goals of the relationship whereas self-centered gains are the goals of the self-centered partner.





Domination                                                                                          Cooperation


              Domination over others takes many forms and is an even more discouraged position than Entitlement.  Dominating behavior is often harsh, controlling, angry, and can be abusive. Where issues of harassment and bullying are concerned, such efforts to dominate can be readily observed. However, Domination can also express itself more shrewdly with power seeking and manipulative behaviors. Domination behavior leads to more discouragement as others are eventually intolerant of being placed in an inferior position and will ultimately reject controlling, attention seeking, and dominating behavior.  This is particularly true for talented and confident associates, who will leave organizations rather than tolerate such behavior.


              In contrast, your Cooperation with activity completed “in harmony” with others for the common good leads to your greater contribution.  If you express yourself and connect with others, your cooperating with others is the next developmental task in striving for “Service Beyond Self.”  Your cooperation with others as an equal is a goal direction that creates even more encouragement for you and others.



Specific Scores

under the

Domination / Cooperation Polarity



Power seeking                                                                                                                   Equality seeking


              With Power seeking domination, an attempt is made to dominate the other with pure power. At other times, power seeking may look as though such controls are be used simply for the purpose of demonstrating power over the other, without relationship considerations. In an active and aggressive form, such behavior can be observed in the form of harassment, bullying and other selfish behavior. In a more passive form, power-seeking behavior may simply appear in the form of stubbornness and inflexibility. In each case, the goal of useful cooperation in the relationship is ignored. Maneuvering the other, expressing self-serving needs, and manipulating the other more directly are the ways of the power seeking dominator. On the other hand, Equality seeking in the relationship bent toward belonging and effectively guiding the other by being an excellent performer yourself is a cooperative leadership activity as a Courageous Partner. Such behavior is demonstrated by being a positive example for treating the other as an equals. In a more active form, the equality seeking partners promote the attitude for treating the other as anequal. Such attitudes are very effective in diminishing the existence of oppositional behaviors. Your modeling of constructive efforts sets an effective positive example and your willingness to persuade the other toward cooperation is more useful than a dominating abuse of power.



Critical                                                                                                                                    Encouraging


              Being Critical of the other is a form of domination, often in the form of making efforts toward self-elevation at the expense of the other. Also, criticism can be a form of controlling the other who may tend to respond out of a “fear of criticism.” While is possible to detect some short-term results from such methods, the longer-term result is the creation of resentment, passive-aggressive sabotage, lower motivation and a discontinuation of the positive feeling of belonging. On the other hand, Encouraging behavior is demonstrated by working hard toward helping the other do better. In a more active form, such partners clearly help the other do better and grow in their competence as a cooperative partner. In turn, this increases the frequency of positive cooperation and belonging.





Manipulative                                                                                                                           Collaborative



Manipulative behavior is observed when a partner maneuvers the situation in such a way as to create their self-serving advantage. Another method used to manipulate the other occurs when a partner expresses self-serving needs, expecting the other to meet those needs. By manipulating others for self-serving gains, it is not uncommon to see subtle forms of harassment and bullying. Collaborative behavior it is demonstrated by you, in the form of being a positive example of cooperation, constructively persuades the other toward cooperative efforts. It is characterized by effectively guiding the other toward mutual relationship benefit. Effective partners most often demonstrate high levels of competence when leading the other in creating a mutual relationship benefit. Collaborative efforts are always directed toward the benefit of the relationship where manipulation is most often created for the benefit of an individual.



Opposing                                                                                                                                        Affirming



              One way to dominate any situation is to oppose all the other, regardless of the merits of any issue. By resisting cooperative efforts from the other and intentionally working against the other, one can accrue power in the form of Opposing domination. To work against the other and to dominate by resisting change, one blocks the efforts of the other who is making constructive improvements. Your willingness to create Affirming cooperation requires that you participate cooperatively with the other and seek out ways to affirm his or her positive efforts. Striving to find new ways to cooperate and agreeing to participate cooperatively are signs that you are a cooperative “Courageous Partner.”



Revenge seeking                                                                                                                           Nurturing


              Revenge seeking domination, in the passive form, is characterized by being moody, which can be a way to punish the other or may also be an effort to control the other simply by being “crabby.” In the active form, one may seek revenge by being quick to retaliate and by getting “even” with the other. Creating Nurturing cooperation requires you to understand the importance of working together and accept invitations to participate actively with the other with a willingness to nurture his or her effort. By understanding the importance of cooperation and sometimes nurturing the other, you move toward increased “Service Beyond Self” as a Courageous Partner.










Withdrawal                                                                                             Connection


              The most discouraged behavior, resulting from the striving for “Self Above Service”, is Withdrawal from the other, as these behaviors move against our need to connect, cooperate, contribute and become part of a loving, belonging relationship.  Withdrawal from the other is a “Self Above Service” behavior as it is an effort to escape the anticipated negative judgments from the other and preserve a personal form of vanity.  As is true for the other goal areas, Withdrawal appears in many different behavioral forms, including indifference, expressions of inadequacy, action suppression, interpersonal insensitivity and detachment.


              Instead, the most basic form of encouraged “Service Beyond Self” is your willingness to be authentically present (“connected to yourself”) and also be in Connection (expressiveness and listening) with the other. Being in touch with your “self” and creating the courage to express yourself is the most elementary foundation for the “Courageous Partner.” This kind of behavior shows up when a person is simply enthusiastic and action oriented. In addition, the willingness to be a participating member of the relationship and express your thoughts is a positive indicator for connection.



Specific Scores

under the

Withdrawal / Connection Polarity


Indifferent                                                                                                                                   Enthusiastic


              Indifferent withdrawal is demonstrated by looking for ways to escape and avoid everyday activities. Oftentimes, one acts as if one “can’t do” the relationship related activities or one is indifferent to them. This is different than not knowing how to do the tasks. In the case of indifferent withdrawal, individuals have the knowledge but “withdraw” these abilities from the mission of the relationship. Enthusiastic connection is demonstrated when you make efforts to meet the needs of the situation and adequately connect with the other. When you “show up,” connect with the other, and struggle with the relationship task (which includes experiences with joy as well as heartbreak), you become more competent as a partner and you are more ready to purse genuine cooperation with the other. Your enthusiasm will appear in the form of having positive attitudes toward ordinary relationship activities and expressing positive energy toward the other.




Insensitive                                                                                                                                  Responsive


              Insensitive means “not sensing” the interpersonal behaviors around you and can be a form of withdrawal from the relationship. Insensitive withdrawal is demonstrated by partners who choose to be unaware of the other around them. As an alternative, being Responsive about relationship activities is demonstrated by your expressing positive energy toward the relationship and your positive attitude in the face of interpersonal challenges and conflicts.  As a Courageous Partner, you seek “responsiveness” in useful forms with a positive attitude while applying your energy and eagerness toward the relationship.



Action suppressed                                                                                                               Action expressed


              Partners demonstrating Action suppressed withdrawal allow their obvious low activity to interfere with the relationship and often have little energy for the other. While it is often not difficult to muster a sufficient energy for special tasks, action suppressed withdrawal often appears in the form of low energy toward ordinary relationship activities.  If you are engaged in Action expressed connection, you respond constructively toward the other and often initiate constructive actions toward the relationship. Deciding to act, rather than just “thinking about” action, is a habit of the Courageous Partner.



Thought suppressed                                                                                                          Thought expressed


              Thought suppressed withdrawal is demonstrated by being inexpressive of thoughts and ideas or, at times, being hesitant to express thoughts and ideas. This kind of withdrawal signals in unwillingness to participate as a full contributing member of the relationship. Oftentimes, this withdrawal is motivated by a fear that one does not have the “correct” or the “perfect” solution. Thought expressed connection implies a willingness on your part to be assertively expressive and originate new interactions with the other.  Expressing agreement with the other, when appropriate, is another form creating “common sense” agreement with the other. Declaring your personal opinions and your realistic experience is an elementary action of the Courageous Partner.



Detached                                                                                                                                  Participating


              Detached withdrawal is demonstrated by being disconnected from the other and avoiding interactions with the other. These behaviors are not useful in any relationship that values belonging and the creation of loving kindness. By your choosing to connect with the other and be observably more Participating, you will also initiate friendly interactions with the other. The most basic behavior for the Courageous Contributor is in being friendly with the other and initiating participative interactions with your partner. Your “showing up” as an equal with the other is the foundation of “Service Beyond Self”.




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